I was in my car driving and I felt the urge that I've felt so many time before but upon which I have failed to follow through. I want to take the time to publicly share some of my feelings and thoughts on the difficulties of Bipolar Disorder. I've not been shy about explaining to people that I have Bipolar I Disorder. I fall into craters of depression so low I find it hard to get out of bed along with times of extreme agitation where my mind is literally bombarded by incessant thoughts of suicide. These started when I was 18 and have continued to varying levels of difficulty for the last 11 years. I say all this to show that 11 years and still living has given me a wealth of experience in dealing with these difficulties. I haven't always made good choices in coping with my problems and even have attempted suicide twice. By the grace of God I'm still here and have added 2 reasons to live that make every battle worth winning, in my wife, Teana and my son, Ezekiel. But I didn't always think I would have them to help fight the fight.
I used to want to share the sufferings of the illness with others. I'm still app to do that on occasion when solicited but at this point in my life my desire is really to bring understanding and hope to those who need it and their families. There was a time in those early years where I was barely hanging on and felt abandoned and alone. My mind had turned on me and was rooting for my demise and even arguing its inevitability. I believed it to the point of almost not making it beyond that period. I often think now, what would I have said to that scared, fragile boy who was so consumed by darkness and madness that there was no way for him to see the life before him. In those times God spared my life, despite my every effort to end it, and I found a Doctor who did so much for me that my son is named after him. The path was a lot more complicated then that but the point was I went from a boy with little to no hope for the future to a still struggling man with a loving family that battles for the tender mercies God has bestowed on him in his wife and kid.
It is those who are in the fog of despair that I direct my thoughts. What would I say to those people? I would say hold on. Hold on with everything you have. Hold on like everything depends on you and then lean on others and the Lord like you have nothing left to give. I've always found that at the moments of deepest darkness, when I'm ready to throw in the towel, there is always some thought that comes to mind of why I am here on the earth and why I haven't given up yet. The thought of a loved one, or a game of one-on-one with my brother; One more joke I need to tell my sister and make her laugh; A memory of a time where i could feel the sun warming my skin and the joys of summer; A court side Mavs game with my best friend. I don't believe there are many people in the world who 100% want out of life. If we all think hard enough there are people we will miss and memories made that we want to make again. Those are what I have always held on to. They may not be that reassuring in the moment of bitter torment, but they are as real as the suffering and so is the fact that more of those memories can be our future. My life is evidence of that. I always told myself I'd never find a girl who could put up with me, who would love me despite my craziness. I found her and she has given me joy beyond compare, even at times of great suffering.
This battle is one fought behind closed doors in dark rooms and under layers of covers. It is a battle fought with torment at the very hours most of the world peacefully sleeps dreaming happy thoughts, on dark roads with blaring music at 3am. It is lonely. It feels lonely and it seems hopeless. But I assure anyone dealing with it or loving someone dealing with it that it isn't hopeless. There is always hope. If you want a fairy tale ending, I can't assure you of that. This is a battle you will face the rest of your life. But it can get a lot better and it can be an impairment without being debilitating. I have 11 years of evidence to prove it. And that's just me.
Monday, July 31, 2017
How Do We Help Those We Love? (re-post)
Now I have to start by saying I'm not a trained psychologist and that this is only what I've felt was helpful for me in my experiences. You have to know that because of my strict adherence from childhood to my religious code of health I never struggled with drug and alcohol problems. In my worst of times I knew that they would send me over the edge and luckily had the self-control to never even try them. (Full disclosure- I did try alcohol once but didn't get drunk).
What I do know about getting help for loved ones is that it starts with them. The truth is that like anything else in life, if they don't think they have a problem or don't think they need help for it, there is little you can do for them other than be patient. That's not always a situation a loved one can wait on. Also, as great as GPs can be as doctors, if you feel you or someone you love has a serious issue, get the proper help and request a referral to a Psychiatrist. They are trained on these matters in ways GPs have little knowledge. The wrong medication administered by a less knowledgeable doctor can dramatically increase suicidal ideation along with a myriad of other things. Get the proper help from the beginning. I would say that if there is any sign or talk of suicide that regardless of the willingness of the afflicted to comply, action should be taken and a physician should be contacted immediately.
On the note of suicide, you should always watch the signs. There is no full proof way to know for sure whether someone will act out an attempt on their life but usually it is progressive. All signs of suicide should be taken extremely serious but it can escalate. Comments of ending their life in moments of frustration is perhaps a first step down the road. Any signs of Internet searches on items or pill doses that could be used for such an attempt is an obviously an escalated red flag. Attempts of self-injury or more minor self-injuries including cutting or other forms should be taken very seriously and a sign that one is building up the capacity to act out in a more extreme manner. Changes in behavior that leads to high levels of impulsivity, especially combined with any of the above should send alarm bells off and be a time where the sufferer is not left alone, regardless of the reassurance they may give. These are definitely generalities but if any of these signs are visible one should not only try and remove the more accessible means of self harm, but also make sure the sufferer understands there is an readily available, open line of support and communication no matter the hour.
Back to the less depressing matters. Loved ones need to understand that mental illness is extremely difficult to understand and accept for the sufferer, especially in the initial years. There are feelings of denial, defeat and depression. It is hard for anyone to understand how their mind and body could function with great capacity a short time before but then all of a sudden is so "pathetic" that it is difficult to get out of bed. Often those who don't suffer from the illness have a hard time understanding how a little will power, "sucking it up" and/or a shift in paradigm aren't effective means of motivation for depression or mania. I relate the state of the sufferer to the kid who twirls around faster and faster with their head on the bat and then tries to walk, dizzied by the movement. We've all experience that inability to gather our bearings in that circumstance. Now imagine if that state of dizziness never ended, but you were still expected to perform like a normal person. You would know in your mind that is shouldn't be hard to snap out of the dizziness and chaos and that in the past the feeling had left after a mere few minutes. This time is different though, no matter your will power or determination to stop being dizzy, you cannot help it. Now imagine in that state of disorientation, how maddening it would be to live your normal life, go to work, interact with others, or even participate in your favorite hobby. It would be next to impossible, especially initially to do those things, and even while doing those tasks that were manageable, your mind would be filled with frustration over the fact that you can't snap out of this disorientation when your whole life to this point it had always left you within minutes. That dizziness is a lot like the bombardment of thoughts and feelings that come with both depression and high manias. As difficult as the feelings and thoughts are to manage, the greater frustration is often that you can't seem to snap yourself out of it no matter what you do.
To be completely candid I have a tattoo, something in my church that is pretty much frowned upon. Regardless of my current ambivalence about that decision, I'd like to show you what it looks like and explain it because it summarizes some of my own feelings and how it helped me get through some darker days. Early in my struggle I had an addiction to cutting. I have probably 30 or so places on my arms, legs and chest where I have carved or cut on myself in some form or fashion. I felt I was so worthless that it was a way to purge all the self loathing feelings I had because of my inability to push out of deep depressions and high agitated states. Some of those cuts were so deep they have caused permanent ligament damage in my forearm. One of the things I loved about cutting, especially on my arms was that it was something visible to me and everyone else that showed I felt I was defective. After spending time with Teana and growing close to her, I realized that I couldn't keep hurting myself all the time and that I needed to move forward in life. One day, impulsively, but having been thought of long before, we drove to Deep Ellum and they sized me up and charged the white suburban kid double for this simple tattoo. (it's a bit better than the picture) Now Teana makes fun of me for getting it and that of all the ways I could express my illness, I chose that. But I had thought about it and I knew I needed to express something I felt was at the core of my difficulties but also was something I could look in the mirror at everyday and remember. On the deeply depressing days where no hope was in sight, I could look in the mirror and see where I was but then also that there would come a day when i felt the sun shine again and could smile one of those smiles that you feel in your chest and gut. On the reverse side, I could remember in the good times to not get overly excited and to not make too many commitments and load myself up in a way that couldn't be kept when the down times came, as they surely would.
That is how you can help your loved ones who suffer. You can realize that if you or them are going to try and get in a fight with bipolar, thinking you will win, I assure you, you won't. You can't cure it. You can't beat it, trust me I've tried for years. The best thing to do is accept it and accept those who it affects. Progress will be slow and patience will be required by all parties. The sooner everyone can realize that bad days are bound to come but so are good days then the better it will be for everyone.
I tell everyone that about 4 times a year I come out of a terribly dark time. There are a lot of periods toward the ends of those dark times where you start to feel better in the morning but then slip back into darkness by the afternoon and it plays with your head, like the old man on the insurance commercial pulling the dollar away on the end of the fishing rod from the girl with a grin on his face. But on that day when you finally come out of it for real there is a joy and gratitude to God that I can not put into words. I tell my family that I know what the resurrection will feel like because it feels like my body has gone from pathetic to perfected and the contrast is so vast it is almost surreal. Those days don't come along too often. Most days are somewhere in between good and bad but those are days that I feel hope and I know I must keep pushing along. Trust that your loved ones can feel that one day too. It took time to appreciate those days and even to appreciate the dark days. I'm bipolar. When I talk to God sometimes there are expletives thrown out there and then other times I kneel so humbly that I know my Heavenly Fathers eyes are watering too.
I'll go back to my original point. We have to accept the lot we've been given in life. I believe there is something beautiful in everything we go through, even those trips to hell that we travel on alone without the companionship of those we love most. In the darkest hours it feels lonely. It is difficult beyond belief. But the Lord will sustain us as sufferers and loved ones of those who suffer. The first step, though, is to admit we have a problem and in the case of Mental Illness, there is no easy way out.
What I do know about getting help for loved ones is that it starts with them. The truth is that like anything else in life, if they don't think they have a problem or don't think they need help for it, there is little you can do for them other than be patient. That's not always a situation a loved one can wait on. Also, as great as GPs can be as doctors, if you feel you or someone you love has a serious issue, get the proper help and request a referral to a Psychiatrist. They are trained on these matters in ways GPs have little knowledge. The wrong medication administered by a less knowledgeable doctor can dramatically increase suicidal ideation along with a myriad of other things. Get the proper help from the beginning. I would say that if there is any sign or talk of suicide that regardless of the willingness of the afflicted to comply, action should be taken and a physician should be contacted immediately.
On the note of suicide, you should always watch the signs. There is no full proof way to know for sure whether someone will act out an attempt on their life but usually it is progressive. All signs of suicide should be taken extremely serious but it can escalate. Comments of ending their life in moments of frustration is perhaps a first step down the road. Any signs of Internet searches on items or pill doses that could be used for such an attempt is an obviously an escalated red flag. Attempts of self-injury or more minor self-injuries including cutting or other forms should be taken very seriously and a sign that one is building up the capacity to act out in a more extreme manner. Changes in behavior that leads to high levels of impulsivity, especially combined with any of the above should send alarm bells off and be a time where the sufferer is not left alone, regardless of the reassurance they may give. These are definitely generalities but if any of these signs are visible one should not only try and remove the more accessible means of self harm, but also make sure the sufferer understands there is an readily available, open line of support and communication no matter the hour.
Back to the less depressing matters. Loved ones need to understand that mental illness is extremely difficult to understand and accept for the sufferer, especially in the initial years. There are feelings of denial, defeat and depression. It is hard for anyone to understand how their mind and body could function with great capacity a short time before but then all of a sudden is so "pathetic" that it is difficult to get out of bed. Often those who don't suffer from the illness have a hard time understanding how a little will power, "sucking it up" and/or a shift in paradigm aren't effective means of motivation for depression or mania. I relate the state of the sufferer to the kid who twirls around faster and faster with their head on the bat and then tries to walk, dizzied by the movement. We've all experience that inability to gather our bearings in that circumstance. Now imagine if that state of dizziness never ended, but you were still expected to perform like a normal person. You would know in your mind that is shouldn't be hard to snap out of the dizziness and chaos and that in the past the feeling had left after a mere few minutes. This time is different though, no matter your will power or determination to stop being dizzy, you cannot help it. Now imagine in that state of disorientation, how maddening it would be to live your normal life, go to work, interact with others, or even participate in your favorite hobby. It would be next to impossible, especially initially to do those things, and even while doing those tasks that were manageable, your mind would be filled with frustration over the fact that you can't snap out of this disorientation when your whole life to this point it had always left you within minutes. That dizziness is a lot like the bombardment of thoughts and feelings that come with both depression and high manias. As difficult as the feelings and thoughts are to manage, the greater frustration is often that you can't seem to snap yourself out of it no matter what you do.
To be completely candid I have a tattoo, something in my church that is pretty much frowned upon. Regardless of my current ambivalence about that decision, I'd like to show you what it looks like and explain it because it summarizes some of my own feelings and how it helped me get through some darker days. Early in my struggle I had an addiction to cutting. I have probably 30 or so places on my arms, legs and chest where I have carved or cut on myself in some form or fashion. I felt I was so worthless that it was a way to purge all the self loathing feelings I had because of my inability to push out of deep depressions and high agitated states. Some of those cuts were so deep they have caused permanent ligament damage in my forearm. One of the things I loved about cutting, especially on my arms was that it was something visible to me and everyone else that showed I felt I was defective. After spending time with Teana and growing close to her, I realized that I couldn't keep hurting myself all the time and that I needed to move forward in life. One day, impulsively, but having been thought of long before, we drove to Deep Ellum and they sized me up and charged the white suburban kid double for this simple tattoo. (it's a bit better than the picture) Now Teana makes fun of me for getting it and that of all the ways I could express my illness, I chose that. But I had thought about it and I knew I needed to express something I felt was at the core of my difficulties but also was something I could look in the mirror at everyday and remember. On the deeply depressing days where no hope was in sight, I could look in the mirror and see where I was but then also that there would come a day when i felt the sun shine again and could smile one of those smiles that you feel in your chest and gut. On the reverse side, I could remember in the good times to not get overly excited and to not make too many commitments and load myself up in a way that couldn't be kept when the down times came, as they surely would.
That is how you can help your loved ones who suffer. You can realize that if you or them are going to try and get in a fight with bipolar, thinking you will win, I assure you, you won't. You can't cure it. You can't beat it, trust me I've tried for years. The best thing to do is accept it and accept those who it affects. Progress will be slow and patience will be required by all parties. The sooner everyone can realize that bad days are bound to come but so are good days then the better it will be for everyone.
I tell everyone that about 4 times a year I come out of a terribly dark time. There are a lot of periods toward the ends of those dark times where you start to feel better in the morning but then slip back into darkness by the afternoon and it plays with your head, like the old man on the insurance commercial pulling the dollar away on the end of the fishing rod from the girl with a grin on his face. But on that day when you finally come out of it for real there is a joy and gratitude to God that I can not put into words. I tell my family that I know what the resurrection will feel like because it feels like my body has gone from pathetic to perfected and the contrast is so vast it is almost surreal. Those days don't come along too often. Most days are somewhere in between good and bad but those are days that I feel hope and I know I must keep pushing along. Trust that your loved ones can feel that one day too. It took time to appreciate those days and even to appreciate the dark days. I'm bipolar. When I talk to God sometimes there are expletives thrown out there and then other times I kneel so humbly that I know my Heavenly Fathers eyes are watering too.
I'll go back to my original point. We have to accept the lot we've been given in life. I believe there is something beautiful in everything we go through, even those trips to hell that we travel on alone without the companionship of those we love most. In the darkest hours it feels lonely. It is difficult beyond belief. But the Lord will sustain us as sufferers and loved ones of those who suffer. The first step, though, is to admit we have a problem and in the case of Mental Illness, there is no easy way out.
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