Teana and I recently went on Glenn Beck's Podcast to talk about mental health and suicidal depression. We delved into a lot of topics but one area we touched on that I wasn't truly prepared for was my suicide attempt. I don't like to talk to specifics because everyone has their own story and also I never want to give someone ideas that may be in a dark place. But since we went there, I felt the need to expand upon what was said because in some ways it seemed like a much more feeble attempt than it really was.
Teana and I were both in our first semester back at school after waiting a year for her visa in Australia. I had been itching to get "back on track" and move forward with my education, now that I had a wife and a stronger need for forward progress. We were about a month into the semester, in Utah. It was winter and the basement apartment we lived in often felt gloomy. I had been struggling with motivation and depression and doing the bare minimum to get by in school. The realization of my need to be more was a heavy burden in my life. The stress levels were really high, Teana and I were, though we had an amazing marriage, were still learning how to meet each others emotional needs. I was in my first test cycle and had taken one of my tests the day before. I had done much worse than I expected and was frustrated why subjects that in the past had been so easy seemed to require so much more time and energy. My brain would just shut down when studying and I would just sit waiting for it to fire up again. It was one of those nights, I was trying to cram for an exam and nothing was firing up in my brain. After hours of sitting in front of the books in the second room of our 2 bedroom apartment, I started to become distressed. There wasn't one thing that was terribly distressing, I had probably been in worst places, but the culmination of it all and the expectation and responsibility I had accepted in getting married flooded me with pain. I remember thinking, "I have hoodwinked everyone and now I am in too deep."
There was probably much more to it that I have since forgotten, I was distressed and I did then try and call 7 people, but it was late and everyone was asleep. My wife was in bed already, and I could have easily woke her up but back then I only saw her as someone to be good enough for and not someone to open up to, at least not when I was letting her down. I decided the best course of action was to get out. I took a bottle from my meds that was probably 3/4 full and I started taking the pills with a 2 liter of Dr Pepper. I took around 70 or so pills. I took the whole bottle.
After I took the meds I went to lay in bed. Thoughts flooded my mind with, "this is really how it ends, I guess." I cuddled up on my sleeping wife and held her for about 20 mins. I kissed her head and then I rolled back over to my side. She never stirred. Tears started to form as my mind filled with disappointing reflection on my own lack of strength and inabilities. There wasn't any thoughts of saving myself, it felt like the time had passed for negotiating. After about 30 mins of laying there, severe stomach pain and nausea started to come. The carbonation from the Dr Pepper was breaking down all the capsules and it got to a point where I couldn't lay down anymore. I sat up in bed for 10 or so minutes when I felt the need to rush to the toilet. I thought, "I will throw up to get rid of some of the Dr Pepper. I'll just go take some of the other pills I saw sitting on the counter with water after I throw up." I probably threw up about 1/3 of what I took. As I got up from my knees and flushed the toilet, I looked over and in the doorway of the bathroom stood my wife. My wife can sleep through anything. I have had times since that I have gone in our bathroom shower and played music on a speaker at 2am and she has slept through the whole thing. She stood there in the door way and said, "Aaron, what did you do? We are going to the hospital now." She tells it that God woke her up and gave her a flood of information all in a moment and though there were no signs of what I had done, she immediately knew.
We rushed to the hospital so quickly that we left the front door to our apartment wide open. Once my wife was awake, there was no point in fighting her, she is usually kind and sweet, but she has a side from her Filipino blood that you just don't mess with and that side was out and in control. When we got to the ER the doctor listened to what happened and the first question he asked was, "did you take this certain med with that med because we can't treat both at the same time?" It was the med on the counter that I was planning on taking until my wife woke up. I knew in that moment I was going to live. There was still a long ways to know what life would look like. I had the potential of kidney damage and a potential lifetime of dialysis still on the table at that point, but something told me I would live. For Teana, it took the 24 hours of waiting to have confidence in the outcome. The Doctor told me there is a 40% chance you don't leave this hospital alive. I don't think he liked that I kept grinning as if the matter was already settled, even though I was convulsing among other things. I wasn't grinning out of happiness, it was just my inappropriate response to the situation. We got to the point where they monitor for the need for dialysis. The levels reached that point and then the doctor decided to wait an hour and see what happened. Luckily, within that hour, the levels started to go down and I avoided any major kidney damage.
In that whole process, I never asked to be saved. I never prayed out loud or in my heart to God. There is a funny thing about having such a wonderful miracle in your life that you never asked for or deserved, but to also know that isn't everyone's story. There are others that maybe did pray for relief or had loved ones that didn't wake up. I don't really know why I'm still here, but I promised God and myself that I would do all I could to give others hope and to see beyond the pain. I am grateful, now, 14 years later to see the other side, not just the weeks or years after but to see far beyond that time. God has done things with me and my family that I couldn't ever have imagined that day. I only saw my own inabilities and short comings, I thought it was all on me to beat the illness and find all the answers. I have put in my fair share of work, but God has opened doors and presented solutions and supports that, at that time, I couldn't even imagine.
If you are in a dark place, please reach out and find someone to talk to about it. There is more latitude and room for you to get the help you need, then you can ever realize.
