You Can't Do It Alone

I can't write too many entries without acknowledging the need for support when dealing with Mental Illness. Many of them are literally the reason I'm still alive today. Many have cried for me, prayed for me and even a few have held my hand down through the hellish abyss that is my illness. There are two that I feel the need to expound upon and along with my parents who have always been supportive.

Initial Diagnosis
            I could probably write a whole entry about this alone but I feel the need to mention a few important things. Those first few days, weeks, months and even years are the hardest. It is difficult to wake up one day and have your capacity diminished to a level that you can't even find the energy to groom yourself, or eat a whole meal. 
            There was a period very early on where I suffered long bouts of deep, deep depression. This was not right at the first but within the first year or so. I had been so depressed for so long that my clothes had piled up over the whole of my room. I would change everyday and just drop my close where they were because I couldn't be bothered to put them in the bin or even separate the underwear from the pants/shorts. I didn't go out much except for a drive-through meal occasionally so I had little need to wear anything presentable. It created a full wardrobe of options, and since I probably only changed once every three days, to cover my floor with clothes meant I probably had gone close to two months without doing my wash. I say all this to explain that one day I woke up feeling slightly better with the resolve to wash all my clothes. I remember being so determined, like this was tryouts for the high school basketball team or the big interview for my dream job. I thought, surely this is something I can easily succeed at. Long story short, I remember I gathered and separated all the clothes and then put a load of whites in the wash (my mom taught me right, to separate my darks and whites). After what was probably 20 minutes of work, I remember going back into my bed hiding under the sheets and just bawling my eyes out. That simple effort had exhausted what little resources I had to the degree that I felt like I had ran a marathon. This coming from a kid that was an overachiever in everything he did prior to his illness.
             The point of that example is that early on it can be very difficult. That's just one of many examples, and I wont even get into some of the scarier manic times when I had little self control. I did find a good drive from Dallas to Louisiana or Houston and back through the night did wonders though. I digress, for loved ones it can be difficult to understand how something can cause someone to change so dramatically. There is often a tendency to want to nudge or push them forward, to light a fire under them and get them back functioning. I assure you that if they have a mental illness, that will be anything but helpful and often cause further isolation or acting out, depending on the problem. What is needed by loved ones is support, encouragement, love and support for getting help. That's not always easy and most sufferers are in denial for quite sometime that they need help on a psychiatric or psychological level. If someone wont get help finding someone that has there same difficulties to talk to can often be helpful. When someone doesn't feel so alone or that just because these feelings and thoughts are foreign to them, they are not foreign to others and can even be understood and explained it will sometimes give them the nudge they need. All in all the truth is that, just like anything else, the person has to want to get help for any help to work.

 Back to My Support
             I was lucky enough to have parents who have always been supportive. Just like anyone else they had to learn and understand the illness better because at first there was a butting of heads and difficulty in communication between my needs and their desire to help. It's natural for confusion and misunderstanding to take place when someone you have known a long time starts acting very erratic and in ways you've never seem them act. It's important for loved ones, parents or spouses to seek out books and support groups or friends with similar situations for better understanding of how to help and the road ahead. NAMI has local chapters throughout the country that have meet up groups specifically for family members of those who suffer. I'd recommend them as an early resource, as they are designed by professionals with vast experience.
Here is a link to NAMI: https://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=Family-to-Family&lstid=605
             Beyond parental support is professional support. I remember back in high school, a couple years before an official diagnosis, I was having some minor depression but was expressing suicidal feelings. My parents asked me if I wanted to see a psychologist about it. I remember thinking, I don't want to go because if I go and they say nothing is wrong with me I feel like an idiot for not being able to manage my emotions better. If I go and they say I have a problem, well then I'm messed up. That thought has always stuck with me. I look back and chuckle a little at that notion now. Therapy has been one of the most crucial elements of my progress. I may be a bit different than many because I sought it out early on because I was hearing voices in my head that were very vividly and specifically plotting my self-destruction. These were not your every day, "I'm not good enough" thoughts but rather full blown self-enmity that had separated itself in my mind to be something I found almost impossible to control. I thought I was going crazy, and to a degree, I was. My mind was racing so fast in a way I had never experienced. I would go days without sleeping and drive for 6-8 hours through the night. It was at this time I sought psychological support.
               In my mind it's always a good idea to see a psychologist/therapist first. They may or may not have the credentials to diagnosis an illness but they can get a good idea of whether you need to seek further psychiatric help and get on medications. Once again, if you have a severe mental illness and it is impairing your normal life performance, please see a psychiatrist, not just a family doctor. Something I didn't realize also, is that finding a psychologist that is a good fit for you may be difficult. It took me close to 4 years and 8 or so psychologists to find one that I've stuck with for years now. I'd say always give them 3-4 sessions before you find someone else but don't worry about their feelings if it doesn't work. They are used to it.
              I have a bit of a unique situation because the man who was my initial psychiatrist and who helped me get on meds that made a world of difference, after almost 2 years of trial and error. Trust me, when it comes to psychiatry, patience is a virtue. That doctor has become one of my greatest supports and did so much to change my life, not just with the meds but also his friendship, that my son Ezekiel Rich is named after him. We have a unique situation and most doctors are just that, doctors with which you will have a professional relationship. A good psychiatrist will not only know the meds but listen and be able to explain your problems to you, when there is a problem, with you saying very little. That means he/she has seen it before and that can give you confidence that they can help you. Just like a psychologist, you may need to try a few psychiatrists to find one that works with your personality. You need be honest and open up to them  for them to be able to give you the help you need.

Teana Gets Her Own Title
              Many of you may think you have the greatest wife/spouse in the world but you are incorrect. They may be a perfect fit for you, but I'm pretty sure there are very few people on this whole planet that when they meet my wife don't love her. She is one of the most selfless, caring people I've ever met. She has a soft outer shell and a interior of resilience that has withstood difficulties that I can't imagine dealing with. Her prior life made her able to go with the flow even when that flow was over a cliff and through the deep thicket. We joke that my parents were sent on a mission to Australia so that I could meet her and we could get married. Dealing with my difficulties is a roller coaster for any primary care-giver/supporter. It runs its course on you and beats you up. There are a lot of days it's like being a single parent. There are days there is little emotional support and even emotional abuse from the one you need the support from. There is a lot of listening to talk of suicide and a fear that one day it will become a reality. There is need to push forward when everything feels like it's stuck in mud. My wife deals with a lot. I can't even get into how hard her life can be. A friend of hers during a recent episode of mine was made more aware of the extent of our difficulties and she said to Teana, "I am so surprised because I never hear you complain." That is my wife. I love her dearly. I'm not always sure why she sticks around and why she puts up with my self-destructive behaviors, but I thank God everyday that she does.
                Before I met Teana I was very unstable. The previous 4 or 5 months before we met were the best I'd had in the close to 3 years I'd struggled. I was optimistic that things were changing and Bipolar was going to be a part of my past. We always joke that she hasn't since seen me quite as charming and bubbly as I was on our first date. I always tell her I was hypomanic and that was all the energy I had. Sadly, I think she thought that was how I was most of the time. She loved me even when she saw the other sides. I was always open with her from the beginning about my illness. Initially she thought it was like having diabetes or something else where you just do a little bit for it and no worries. Anyways... we eventually got married and have had a lot of terrible times and a lot of great times since. She is the most important support to me. She gave me hope and reminded me of the Savior's love for me through her own. I had forgotten that love and she brought me back, slowly but surely.
                 Every time I get through a bad spell I think about my wife and my son and the strength they give me. It was no easy decision to have a kid with my circumstance, and financial stability has been somewhat allusive, but it was the right choice for us. It gives me something to live for, not just today, but forever. He is a light to me. I don't want to just see him today and next week but I want to have the strength to live for his baptism, his prom, mission and wedding. I want to see the choices he makes in life and the man he becomes. There is no greater support than knowing there is a little kid at home that unconditionally loves you no matter how unstable you are and all he wants is his Dad. That is support.