This is my coffin. This is my place of rest. I lay here
under the sheets of ice, holding on to my last breath. Above me, through the
glow of lanterns I see a world that once was mine. The smiles of my loved ones
frolicking in the snow will be my last sight. I see their warmth and the happiness
in their eyes. I see it and that gives me assurance, but it doesn’t penetrate
my limp body. This icy grave has swallowed my ability to feel anything but
emptiness. This frozen sheet barricades me from connection with that world, but
mocks with its viewing pleasure to affirm my place in a cold dark world of
death. It’s too late to fight it. There’s nothing left to do. With every
passing minute the chill of the water enters my veins. It won’t be long now
until my heart is just the same. Cold and lifeless is the way I’m meant to go.
Do I embrace it or do I fight it? Does it even matter? The time for victory
from its grasps has long ago faded. My end is not in question, just the minutes
to its lead. Please God, I beg of you, just release me from this agony!
A rush of blood comes to my head and I jump to my feet. I
gasp for air in a panic as my hand braces on my knee. Where am I? What has become
of what reality so vividly seemed? I look out the window to the faces beyond in
the snow. My wife and my son skipping around, smiling, their glances directed
at me. With relief I return to my bed and lay my head tucked under the sheets.
A smile comes and peace of warmth fills my heart. Soon it is
over and the cold rush of water fills my lungs and I sink.
This is something I put together in 10 minutes the other night when I was pretty depressed and couldn't sleep. It is about depression, not death. It's about how depression swallows you and makes you feel lifeless and dead inside. That happiness is right before your eyes but you can't seem to connect with it. Sometimes you're able to step out of it for a moment and feel alive again, only to slip back into its deadness of emotion. It can truly feel like a coffin, being buried alive where you're aware of what is happening but helpless to free yourself. Depression is like the cold water, at first an external pressure you fight from affecting you, but like the ice cold river, capped by a sheet of ice, there is no escape. You watch and feel as it slowly squeezes hope and happiness out of you, until even your strongest anchors (for me my family) are not enough to keep you in touch with reality. Like drowning, we all have a limit to how long we can hold our breath. Even the best and strongest eventually succumb to our biological limitations, the need for oxygen and for some, chemical depression. Yet in this there is a subtle message. A plea to God was answered with a moment of relief, a feeling of freedom and one less glimpse of happiness before the final plunge. I didn't expound on this but for me it is the process I endure. Those moments of remembering why I hold on before I disconnect to a degree with reality, carry over with me into the darkness and give me the strength to stay as rational as possible in the depths of despair.
The reason I don't let depression control me as much any more is because I know that it is temporary, though it feels like death, it isn't death. It is a state of torment but the torment eventually subsides or at least lessens. The decisions I make when tormented can either haunt me long after the torment or they can be liberating. I make a conscious effort to allow myself to feel horrible but at the same time limit the decisions I make in that state of mind. The simplest solution to making choices when you have an impaired judgment is not to try and remove the impairment but to limit the choices you make when impaired. For many you might be able to change the impairment but with Bipolar Disorder I've realized after 10 years, and yes it took me close to 10 years to realize, I can't remove/control the illness, especially once the cycling has started. The best solution is to weather the storm.
It sucks to be depressed, especially deep depression, but if you've ever weathered them and come out of them feeling that relief of surviving and then had the moment to reflect on your choices and realize you didn't do anything stupid to jeopardize your finances, relationships, spirituality, etc. that is the greatest feeling of all. Sometimes in life the greatest successes are not shooting ourselves in the foot. It doesn't take Bipolar Disorder to shoot yourself in the foot. Your own pride will do the job just as well. Fortunately, God allowed me the chance to wrestle Bipolar Disorder so I could learn to wrestle my pride.
I use everyday as a platform to strength my position in life: mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The feelings expressed above about depression are as real as my optimism. They coexist within me. There is room for both and neither keeps me from strengthening my relationship with God or my family. That is the beauty of this life. My depression isn't hindering my progress in life. Sure it may stop me from being a CEO, but every time I face it, accept it and manage it, I learn that it is the means of becoming a better human being. Besides, the world has plenty of CEOs. God needs me to learn different lessons. Who knows, maybe He needs you to stop trying to be a CEO too and start by not letting your pride shoot you in the foot. =D Just sayin'....
This is something I put together in 10 minutes the other night when I was pretty depressed and couldn't sleep. It is about depression, not death. It's about how depression swallows you and makes you feel lifeless and dead inside. That happiness is right before your eyes but you can't seem to connect with it. Sometimes you're able to step out of it for a moment and feel alive again, only to slip back into its deadness of emotion. It can truly feel like a coffin, being buried alive where you're aware of what is happening but helpless to free yourself. Depression is like the cold water, at first an external pressure you fight from affecting you, but like the ice cold river, capped by a sheet of ice, there is no escape. You watch and feel as it slowly squeezes hope and happiness out of you, until even your strongest anchors (for me my family) are not enough to keep you in touch with reality. Like drowning, we all have a limit to how long we can hold our breath. Even the best and strongest eventually succumb to our biological limitations, the need for oxygen and for some, chemical depression. Yet in this there is a subtle message. A plea to God was answered with a moment of relief, a feeling of freedom and one less glimpse of happiness before the final plunge. I didn't expound on this but for me it is the process I endure. Those moments of remembering why I hold on before I disconnect to a degree with reality, carry over with me into the darkness and give me the strength to stay as rational as possible in the depths of despair.
The reason I don't let depression control me as much any more is because I know that it is temporary, though it feels like death, it isn't death. It is a state of torment but the torment eventually subsides or at least lessens. The decisions I make when tormented can either haunt me long after the torment or they can be liberating. I make a conscious effort to allow myself to feel horrible but at the same time limit the decisions I make in that state of mind. The simplest solution to making choices when you have an impaired judgment is not to try and remove the impairment but to limit the choices you make when impaired. For many you might be able to change the impairment but with Bipolar Disorder I've realized after 10 years, and yes it took me close to 10 years to realize, I can't remove/control the illness, especially once the cycling has started. The best solution is to weather the storm.
It sucks to be depressed, especially deep depression, but if you've ever weathered them and come out of them feeling that relief of surviving and then had the moment to reflect on your choices and realize you didn't do anything stupid to jeopardize your finances, relationships, spirituality, etc. that is the greatest feeling of all. Sometimes in life the greatest successes are not shooting ourselves in the foot. It doesn't take Bipolar Disorder to shoot yourself in the foot. Your own pride will do the job just as well. Fortunately, God allowed me the chance to wrestle Bipolar Disorder so I could learn to wrestle my pride.
I use everyday as a platform to strength my position in life: mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The feelings expressed above about depression are as real as my optimism. They coexist within me. There is room for both and neither keeps me from strengthening my relationship with God or my family. That is the beauty of this life. My depression isn't hindering my progress in life. Sure it may stop me from being a CEO, but every time I face it, accept it and manage it, I learn that it is the means of becoming a better human being. Besides, the world has plenty of CEOs. God needs me to learn different lessons. Who knows, maybe He needs you to stop trying to be a CEO too and start by not letting your pride shoot you in the foot. =D Just sayin'....
No comments:
Post a Comment