The number one problem I see in myself and others is the
paralysis of depression. The deep dark times come and it feels like we are
suffocating, kicking and screaming for relief and as that depression
intensifies, so does the urge to do whatever for relief, much like someone
drowning will pull under the person trying to help them just to get air. In
those times you’ll see self-destructive behavior or relationship destructive
behavior. There is a feeling that no one understands and when someone
externally questions our motives or will-power, like we are causing this our self,
it usually results in a further isolation from those who can be of help in
these times.
Years
of therapy have helped me in those times to do a couple different things. The
first is to separate myself, or at least my thought process, from what I feel.
I tend to try and be as logical and fact based in my thinking, based on past
experience and on what I have taken time to pattern in my brains as to what I
want for life when I’m stable. In my world, that is my wife and my son and a
life with them and honesty to them and with God in all I do. When I feel deeply
depressed I try to separate my thoughts from those emotions and into the past
episodes I’ve had. What actions when I was depressed before were helpful and
what weren’t? What gave me relief in that moment and maybe kept me from worse
behavior and what were the consequences of those decisions after I felt better?
It’s not a real black and white analysis but over lots of years I’ve come to
create a methodology of good, better, best. Sure going and buying clothes or
eating at some restaurant you really crave may help you feel better but what
happens when the credit card bill comes? Obviously, there are much worse coping
mechanisms and addictions and some that are not so bad, like exercise. It’s about
finding what works and doesn’t create a lot of collateral damage that has to be
cleaned up when you do feel better again.
Often
we feel the only way to keep going through those dark time is to appease the
needs of our emotions. I would suggest that that isn’t true. In fact, sometimes
greater long-term strength comes from doing one or two things you should do but
don’t want to do. I’m currently working on pushing myself to get to work when I
feel deeply depressed. It’s easier to rationalize that staying in bed and
waiting it out will make it last less time and will be more beneficial, as you
won’t have to face triggers and stimulation and things that make it worse or
tire you out more but I find that the confidence that can come from years and
years of increase productivity despite severe moods swings has given me greater
confidence in life and that just because my mood changes doesn’t mean I’m still
not in charge. We don’t have to be slave to mood swings and mood disorders. We
may not function as fully as we want but I believe if we challenge those
internal notions of inability and try just a little to do one thing that makes
us uncomfortable we will learn we have greater capacity and also gain
confidence in managing the chaos in our mind without. That was a hard notion to
swallow 10-12 years ago but today it has become almost innate in my life. It has been most affective in the way I father my son. He is a huge trigger at 3 years old during depression but I've come to know how to interact and show love to him and smile and play for an hour or so even when I feel terrible inside. I can't do it endlessly but I can put my emotions to the side for him for a period to make sure he know I love him. I couldn't always do that, but have learned how to set the emotions aside and have also learned the negative consequences of doing so are not usually as bad as I think. It usually just means a longer nap, maybe with the help of some medicine.
To
those who love and support someone with mental illness, please, please, please
don’t question the motives of someone who is struggling. It is easy for you to
look at their actions and see the irrationality in them, how they are self-sabotaging
and making it harder on themselves. Just like marriage, no good comes from
pointing out someone’s weaknesses. Your true value can come as someone to vent
to, lean on emotionally and to build them and noticing and applauding the
efforts you do see them making for good. If we could all get the mindset of
looking at others difficulties and thinking about what kind of trauma would
cause me to feel and act in a way as someone who is severely depressed. Maybe
you can understand how anything they’ve experience could cause that, but that
isn’t your judgment to make. If you could imagine what it would feel like,
regardless of causation, you will come closer to them opening up to you and
feeling like you are their teammate and confidant in this battle. As someone
who suffers, there is nothing more desired by someone who is suffering from
depression, than knowing they aren’t alone and that they will not be abandoned
by God and those they love. Often, they feel abandoned by God emotionally, so
if you abandon them also it will give emotional cause, justified or not in your
mind, for further isolation and irrationality.
The
second point that every person in depression has to come to know as surely as
they do anything else in life is that it will get better. No episode lasts
forever. This is probably the most crucial aspect of improvement during
episodes and improved choices as well. There is a reason that most suicides
happen early on in the diagnoses of a mental illness. I attempted suicide about
6 months after I started having problems because back then I didn’t know that
it would get better and that these episodes wouldn’t define my existence. Now I
can more or less account for one major depressive episode every 3-4 months that
will last from 2-4 weeks. I have rapid cycling bipolar so there are a lot of
little ups and downs in between those major episodes, that can sometimes be
annoying because you have to stop to assess every one of them to see if they
will become something more or not, but I’ve come to understand that it will get
better. I go into episodes knowing and believing that and then when I get to
the end of my will-power two or so weeks into a really bad episode, I turn to
my wife or parents or others I trust for reinforcement and encouragement to
endure. Occasionally, when I’ve pushed myself for long periods of time to meet
the demands of my family and a job I will fall completely apart and have a
terribly bad episode that can last 3-4 months with variations of functioning
levels during those periods. Those are the times it is most important to hold
on to hope. In those times I try to pick one thing to do every day like exercise.
I still won’t do it every day but if I can do it every other day, I’m doing
more than I would if not. It helps give you something to hope for and to keep
you going. I look at depression like something to beat. It is battle between a
disorder and me and if it wins it ends in death via suicide. I win every time I
face an episode with a different outcome.
What I’ve learned though is that
there can be greater experiences and happiness than just enduring and not
dying. We have the power to improve our choices every episode until we are
becoming something more than we were to begin with. I’ve learned a lot in 12
years and though I still struggle to work and do many other things most people
can easily do in life, I have come to know and understand the pain of those who
truly suffer. My burden and most hated aspect of my existence has been the
means of creating empathy in me for those who are in despair for a myriad of
reasons, mental health related or not. The truth is, it’s probably the best
aspect of my personality and I wouldn’t have it if it wasn’t for deep
depression. So today, while I am writing this to distract and remind myself of how to manage the depression I'm currently feeling, I find solace and the desire to strengthen my resolve to endure and see my life beyond these emotional states.
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