My name is Aaron Elmer, for those who don’t know me. I’m an active/semi-present member of this ward. I have a degree in Finance from BYU/North Texas that I rigorously apply to being a stay at-home-dad. I have the most amazing wife, Teana who just finished graduate school where she studied to become a Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner and I have 3 boys: Ezekiel, Jairus and Hyrum who are 10, 4 and 2. We’ve lived in this ward for 13 years and in our current house for 3 years. Most of you know me for my gift of gabb. I have few filters from years of therapy, learning how to open up about things I’d rather not, and I have an overwhelming passion for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Many of you who know me well, probably already know what I’m going to talk about today. Today my remarks will be based on Elder Holland’s remarks from several conferences as well as a few other scriptures and talks that have helped in a very severe and debilitating battle with Bipolar 1 Disorder over the last 18 years, but I think the principles apply to any difficulty we may face in life.
I’d like to start with the story of Jairus that Elder Holland shared last week in General Conference. A story I love so much, I named my son after him.
· Jairus was one of the rulers of the synagogue. He wasn’t a follower of Christ, but when his daughter became terribly ill, he looked, in desperation to Christ, whose miracles had surely been heard of by him.
· But by the time he could summon Christ to his daughter’s aid, in Luke 8 it reads, “thy daughter is dead; trouble not the Master.” (Luke 8:49)
o Trouble not the Master- brothers and sisters, how often has our mind been filled in times of desperation to, “trouble not the Master.” It’s too late or we are defective, He can help others but not us. We have fallen too deep into sin, too deep into despair, we have gone too long without praying to Him or have been too disobedient to be worth saving. Or maybe our prayers and relief haven’t come in the time-table we wanted so we should “trouble him not.”
o This is the exact circumstance of Jairus. The thought was innocent enough, his daughter was indeed dead- surely Christ could heal and work miracles, but this was past the point of miracles- this was all together a different set of permanent circumstances.
o And yet it wasn’t- because Christ is the Son of God, as he declared so often. His response was simple and powerful. “Fear Not: Believe Only.” (Luke 8:50)
Today I would like to talk about ways we can “Fear Not: Believe Only.”
The loads we are asked to carry at times can seem heavy. They can seem insurmountable and they can fill us with a sense of dread. I know a thing or two of loads because since I was 19 I have been dealt a heavy load to bear. The deep debilitating depression and suicidal ideation of Bipolar Disorder can seem unbearable. But before I talk more about that, I want to mention something I learned a while back about trials we all deal with.
· I remember a girl in my ward coming home from College and talking about the trial it was for her being cut from the BYU Volleyball team. She was devastated by this and it had shaken her faith. I remember thinking, “that’s not a trial.” To which the Lord quickly rebuked me telling me it mattered far less what our trials were and how they compared to others and far more whether we turned to Him on bended knee in response to them.
I’d like to share one story about my own journey with mental illness:
The first 4 years of my illness were terribly difficult. In fact, they were so hard, I can’t put into words the burden I felt. 6 months into feats of agitated mania, deep, deep depression, overwhelming anxiety and PTSD, I saw the shell of a person I was, and drained almost completely of hope, decided to try and take my own life. This led to psychiatric hospitalizations and 3 years of almost complete lack of day-to-day functioning. I slept or laid in bed 18 hours a day and wondered how a kid with a scholarship to BYU and the whole world at his fingertips could have ended up so pathetic and hopeless. I had always believed in taking the difficult path because growth was more important than mastery, but this path seemed insurmountable. I often felt like a Heisman trophy candidate who was paralyzed weeks before realizing his NFL dreams. 3 years in I found some meds that started to help and I started looking to God again for hope. I started reading 5 chapters in the Book of Mormon everyday as I battle self-injury and addiction still. The despair didn’t go away but I resolved to find purpose in my suffering. It was about this time that I made plans to visit my parents across the world, in Australia as they were serving as Mission Presidents there during the 3 years I struggled. I went to institute and met the most amazing, happy and full of life girl I’d ever seen. As I got to know her I found hope and depression often alleviated or blocked when with her. She was the most hopeful angelic person I’d ever met. I learned of her life and the terrible hardships she’d endured in her teenage years and I was even more amazed by her faith and optimism.
Well, after a year of dating I asked her to marry me and she said yes. It was the greatest decision I ever made. I’m not sure what my parents were thinking in letting me get married with the issues I had and I’m not sure what Teana was thinking marrying me with all these issues, but it was the greatest joy to know I had someone to love and be with… or at least I thought. You see in the time we dated, I showed her all my sides and all my difficulties, I hid nothing from her. But there is a difference between dating someone with Bipolar disorder and living with that person 24/7. It soon became clear to me that though we loved each other immensely and rarely fought, my depression, self-injury issues, and mood swings no longer were just my wrestle, they had become someone else’s burden to help shoulder. Selfishly, I had only thought of the value add of bringing Teana into my life and now I was beginning to realize the burden and weight my disorder now had put onto her and added to her life. So, in the height of a stressful semester back at BYU, 4 years into my issues and about 15 months into our marriage, on a terribly dark night I decided the best thing I could do is free my wife from this obligation and so I decided to end my life. I won’t go through the details of this event, but I will say that some of the ICU doctors didn’t believe I would make it out of the hospital alive. It’s a funny thing to sit and wait for death. But God had another plan for me, something that has been a blessing and a burden my whole life, because I’m not sure I deserved a third chance.
I got home from the hospital, knowing I’d probably never step back on BYU campus as a student. We started the talk of moving back to Texas where I had better doctors, therapists and family support. Overwhelmed and hopeless, I did the only thing I knew how to do- look for something to hold on to- so I turned on BYUtv which just happened to be the time Elder Holland was giving a devotional on campus titled “Remember Lots Wife.” The Lord told me that day to never look back, only forward and I have never crossed that threshold, though I’ve come close, in the 14 years since.
My life is divided into 2 parts- the time before that day, and the time since. Before that day I lived with a mentality of “trouble him not.” And since then I have lived with a mentality of “fear not: believe only.”
God has worked miracles in my life. He has given me hope on the darkest days, which there are still many. When I have felt against a wall with no hope, he has sent new meds to try, ministers to minister, family to embrace and a wife who, since that day, has never left my side.
If you are troubled by the circumstances of life I’d like to add a 6 thoughts on how to endure it:
1) Number 1- Elder Eyring talked about the Pavilions in our life.
a. Elder Eying- “In the depths of his anguish in Liberty Jail, the Prophet Joseph Smith cried, ‘O God, Where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?’ Many of us, in moments of personal anguish, feel that God is far from us. The pavilion that seems to intercept divine aid does not cover God but occasionally covers us. God is never hidden, yet sometimes we are, covered by a Pavilion of motivations that draw us away from God and make Him seem distant and inaccessible.” ('Where is the Pavilion?'- Henry B Eyring)
b. I would submit that if you can’t feel the Lord in your life because there is a pavilion, self-created or not, then look out beyond that pavilion and see what God is doing for those around you, your family, your loved ones and friends.
c. When I am deeply depressed it is hard to feel the spirit. When I begin to wonder if God is still with me I look at my children and the support they are getting from Him. I look at the tender mercies bestowed upon my wife to lift her when I am weak and I know He is there, regardless of whether I feel His presence.
d. Challenge yourself to look beyond your circumstance and see God in your life.
2) Number 2- When in the midst of difficulty, project the shore line.
· There is a story I love about Florence Chadwick and her swim between Catalina Island and the California coast line. It reads:
"After about 15 hours a thick fog set in. Florence began to doubt her ability, and she told her mother, who was in one of the boats, that she didn't think she could make it. She swam for another hour before asking to be pulled out, unable to see the coastline due to the fog. As she sat in the boat, she found out she had stopped swimming just one mile away from her destination." (Excerpt from 'Notable American Women’
· Brothers and Sisters, when darkness and hopelessness envelope us like a fog, let us lean on hope and project the shoreline just a mile away
3) Number 3- Drink the bitter cup.
· Elder Holland in his talk “Like a Broken Vessel” teaches:
o “if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead.”
o Brothers and Sisters- Christ’s path was one of difficulty, far greater than ours. How are we to know and become like Him if we know not the taste of the bitter cup. Faith is not faith if it only carries us through the highs of life. We have to be unshaken and determined to know God is with us even as Christ did in the midst of his difficulty. He was forsaken for a short time, so that we don’t have to be.
4) Number 4- Covenants Yoke us to the Lord
· Elder Bednar has repeatedly taught that our covenants yoke us to the Lord.
o Elder Bednar- “Consider the Lord’s uniquely individual invitation to ‘take my yoke upon you.’ Making and keeping sacred covenants yokes us to and with the Lord Jesus Christ. In essence, the Savior is beckoning us to rely upon and pull together with Him, even though our best efforts are not equal to and cannot be compared with His. As we trust in and pull our load with Him during the journey of mortality, truly His yoke is easy and His burden is light.” ('Bear Up Their Burdens with Ease'- Elder David A. Bednar)
o The single greatest factor in my stability and perspective has been the focus on covenant keeping. The more I focus on being worthy, staying worthy and understanding what Christ has promised me, and that I can call upon Him to carry the load, as we are yoked together, the greater the trajectory of outcomes I have had.
o Learn to make and keep covenants and repent speedily, that Satan cannot have hold of your mind/guilt
5) Number 5- To those who support someone in the struggle of mental illness or other difficulties, remember the example of the Savior when he visited the Nephites-
o 3 Nephi 17:5-7
5 And it came to pass that when Jesus had thus spoken, he cast his eyes round about again on the multitude, and beheld they were ain tears, and did look steadfastly upon him as if they would ask him to tarry a little longer with them.
6 And he said unto them: Behold, my bowels are filled with acompassion towards you.
7 Have ye any that are asick among you? Bring them hither. Have ye any that are lame, or blind, or halt, or maimed, or bleprous, or that are withered, or that are deaf, or that are afflicted in any manner? Bring them hither and I will cheal them, for I have compassion upon you; my bowels are filled with mercy.
8 For I perceive that ye desire that I should show unto you what I have done unto your brethren at Jerusalem, for I see that your afaith is bsufficient that I should heal you.
o Brothers and Sisters let our “bowels be filled with compassion” toward those who are struggling amongst us. Let us not condemn, or note needed correction of behavior, let us pray and show compassion upon them and be filled with mercy, the same mercy we desire ourselves.
6) Number 6- When we are struggling, we have to ask for help
· Remember even the Savior of man asked, “Could ye not watch with me one hour?” (Matthew 26:40)
o In the darkest hours of this mortal existence, we would all do well to have someone watch with us even just an hour and to be on the look-out for opportunities to watch with others in their darkest hour.
Conclusion:
· In conclusion I’d like to end with the words of Elder Holland to those who might feel alone in the struggle and wonder if there is hope and purpose for life:
· “I close with special Apostolic declaration: Before you ever received the gift of the Holy Ghost, you had the light of Christ planted in your soul. That light which is in all things, giveth life to all things. And is the influence for good in the hearts of all people who have ever lived or ever will live. That light was given to protect you and to teach you. One of its central messages is life is one of the most precious of all gifts. A gift which is obtained, eternally, only through the atonement of the Lord, Jesus Christ. And the light and life of the world, the only Begotten son of God, came to give us life, conquering death.
We must commit ourselves fully to that gift of life and run to the aid of those who are at risk of giving up this sacred gift. Leaders, advisors, friends, family watch for signs of depression, despair or anything hinting of self-harm. Offer your help, listen. Make some kind of intervention, as appropriate. And to any of our youth out there struggling, whatever your concerns or difficulties, please, death by suicide, is manifestly not the answer. It will not relieve the pain you are feeling or you see yourself causing. In a world that so desperately needs all the light it can get, please do not minimize the eternal light God put in your soul before this world was. Talk to someone. Ask for help. Do not destroy a life that Christ gave His life to preserve. You can bear the struggles of this mortal life, because we will help you bear them. Your stronger than you think. Help is available from others and especially from God. You are loved, and valued and needed. We need you. Fear not and believe only.” ('Fear Not: Believe Only!'- Elder Jeffrey R. Holland)
· Brothers and sisters, I add my testimony to that of Elder Hollands. I keep my phone on most nights, all night, and any night someone close to me reaches out in need of help. I do this that they might know they are never alone in their hour of need. May we all look to Christ who understood perfectly His relationship to the Father found his worth and identity there in, let us have faith and know we are treasured children of a Heavenly Father who longs to support us in our difficulties and bring us safely back to Him when it truly is our time. Until that time, may we Fear not and believe only, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
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