Divine Intervention

 Teana and I recently went on Glenn Beck's Podcast to talk about mental health and suicidal depression. We delved into a lot of topics but one area we touched on that I wasn't truly prepared for was my suicide attempt. I don't like to talk to specifics because everyone has their own story and also I never want to give someone ideas that may be in a dark place. But since we went there, I felt the need to expand upon what was said because in some ways it seemed like a much more feeble attempt than it really was. 

Teana and I were both in our first semester back at school after waiting a year for her visa in Australia. I had been itching to get "back on track" and move forward with my education, now that I had a wife and a stronger need for forward progress. We were about a month into the semester, in Utah. It was winter and the basement apartment we lived in often felt gloomy. I had been struggling with motivation and depression and doing the bare minimum to get by in school. The realization of my need to be more was a heavy burden in my life. The stress levels were really high, Teana and I were, though we had an amazing marriage, were still learning how to meet each others emotional needs. I was in my first test cycle and had taken one of my tests the day before. I had done much worse than I expected and was frustrated why subjects that in the past had been so easy seemed to require so much more time and energy. My brain would just shut down when studying and I would just sit waiting for it to fire up again. It was one of those nights, I was trying to cram for an exam and nothing was firing up in my brain. After hours of sitting in front of the books in the second room of our 2 bedroom apartment, I started to become distressed. There wasn't one thing that was terribly distressing, I had probably been in worst places, but the culmination of it all and the expectation and responsibility I had accepted in getting married flooded me with pain. I remember thinking, "I have hoodwinked everyone and now I am in too deep." 

There was probably much more to it that I have since forgotten, I was distressed and I did then try and call 7 people, but it was late and everyone was asleep. My wife was in bed already, and I could have easily woke her up but back then I only saw her as someone to be good enough for and not someone to open up to, at least not when I was letting her down. I decided the best course of action was to get out. I took a bottle from my meds that was probably 3/4 full and I started taking the pills with a 2 liter of Dr Pepper. I took around 70 or so pills. I took the whole bottle. 

After I took the meds I went to lay in bed. Thoughts flooded my mind with, "this is really how it ends, I guess." I cuddled up on my sleeping wife and held her for about 20 mins. I kissed her head and then I rolled back over to my side. She never stirred. Tears started to form as my mind filled with disappointing reflection on my own lack of strength and inabilities. There wasn't any thoughts of saving myself, it felt like the time had passed for negotiating. After about 30 mins of laying there, severe stomach pain and nausea started to come. The carbonation from the Dr Pepper was breaking down all the capsules and it got to a point where I couldn't lay down anymore. I sat up in bed for 10 or so minutes when I felt the need to rush to the toilet. I thought, "I will throw up to get rid of some of the Dr Pepper. I'll just go take some of the other pills I saw sitting on the counter with water after I throw up." I probably threw up about 1/3 of what I took. As I got up from my knees and flushed the toilet, I looked over and in the doorway of the bathroom stood my wife. My wife can sleep through anything. I have had times since that I have gone in our bathroom shower and played music on a speaker at 2am and she has slept through the whole thing. She stood there in the door way and said, "Aaron, what did you do? We are going to the hospital now." She tells it that God woke her up and gave her a flood of information all in a moment and though there were no signs of what I had done, she immediately knew. 

We rushed to the hospital so quickly that we left the front door to our apartment wide open. Once my wife was awake, there was no point in fighting her, she is usually kind and sweet, but she has a side from her Filipino blood that you just don't mess with and that side was out and in control. When we got to the ER the doctor listened to what happened and the first question he asked was, "did you take this certain med with that med because we can't treat both at the same time?" It was the med on the counter that I was planning on taking until my wife woke up. I knew in that moment I was going to live. There was still a long ways to know what life would look like. I had the potential of kidney damage and a potential lifetime of dialysis still on the table at that point, but something told me I would live. For Teana, it took the 24 hours of waiting to have confidence in the outcome. The Doctor told me there is a 40% chance you don't leave this hospital alive. I don't think he liked that I kept grinning as if the matter was already settled, even though I was convulsing among other things. I wasn't grinning out of happiness, it was just my inappropriate response to the situation. We got to the point where they monitor for the need for dialysis. The levels reached that point and then the doctor decided to wait an hour and see what happened. Luckily, within that hour, the levels started to go down and I avoided any major kidney damage. 

In that whole process, I never asked to be saved. I never prayed out loud or in my heart to God. There is a funny thing about having such a wonderful miracle in your life that you never asked for or deserved, but to also know that isn't everyone's story. There are others that maybe did pray for relief or had loved ones that didn't wake up. I don't really know why I'm still here, but I promised God and myself that I would do all I could to give others hope and to see beyond the pain. I am grateful, now, 14 years later to see the other side, not just the weeks or years after but to see far beyond that time. God has done things with me and my family that I couldn't ever have imagined that day. I only saw my own inabilities and short comings, I thought it was all on me to beat the illness and find all the answers. I have put in my fair share of work, but God has opened doors and presented solutions and supports that, at that time, I couldn't even imagine. 

If you are in a dark place, please reach out and find someone to talk to about it. There is more latitude and room for you to get the help you need, then you can ever realize. 

The Capacity for Change Lies Within Us

I was standing out in my driveway on a nice warm Texas winter day. It was one of those days where the sun shines down in the 70s after weeks of bitter cold wind chills. I found myself caught up in the moment and fully present and aware. My senses filled with the smell of a false-spring rising up from nature, the strong rays of a sunshine that warmed my soul like the reacquainting of a long lost friend. There was something all together warm, inviting and familiar about the place, but with the co-recognition that it wasn't a place that came often. I stood there watching my 3 year old play with a water table his grandma had bought him and his brother the summer before. It was as if my son was having a similar experience to me, enjoying anew the life that came with the warmth and curiosity to explore, of a long forgotten friend, high up in the sky. I don't know if it is just me, but every time I really feel the warmth of the sun, I'm reminded of a time when I was a junior in high school and I rolled down the windows of my car and blared my teenage music as the sun beat down upon my hand hanging out the window, speeding off from the High School campus for the last time that year, as summer commenced. Those rays of sun are synonymous with freedom, exploration and undiscovered futures, but I haven't been always capable of feeling their warmth and many days in those undiscovered futures were far bleaker than my 17 year old mind could fathom. 

As I sat looking at my youngest of 3, playing and living in this light, I found myself reflecting on the words my therapist had often asked me in time of heighten anxiety, and concern for my ability to manage a load and mental illness, that at times seemed daunting and insurmountable. I would come and tell him the very real ways my mental illness were affecting my ability to manage the loads of life. I would sit and say things like, "If this weren't the case, or that, or if I could just sleep like a normal person." I wasn't overly reactive and blameful of outside forces on my life. I've always been one to try and look at what I can control and influence over the external, but sometimes the real limitations of the illness weighed me down and filled my soul with hopelessness. It was on these occasions, my therapist would say, "Aaron, if you could go sit and have a conversation with your 19 year old self, your 25 year old self or your 30 year old self, what would the current "you" say to him? How would you respond to the hopelessness of his current predicament and how would you tell him of what was to come?" Now, I'm soon to be 38 and have lived with the ups and downs of Bipolar Disorder and deep suicidal depression for 20 years. Those 20 years are filled with trauma, pain, suffering, breakthroughs, relapses, more breakthroughs, Divine intervention, timely connection from others and many many other vivid memories and experiences. When someone tells you fully be present in those experiences from the past, it doesn't take much to vividly remember and relive those ups and downs. It's one of the blessings and curses of highly emotional trauma. The details may be a bit foggy with time, but I remember as if it was yesterday the great burdens and pains of times where self injury and suicide seemed like my only options to manage the pain. So you can imagine the great contrast, those darkest days of 19 and 25 with little belief and hope in any future would greatly contrast to even my darkest days today, not because the mood state was necessarily so much worse, though in ways it was, but because of the groundwork, the bricks and the effort time has given me to create a structure for life. At 38, raising three kids without being overly stimulated and or getting agitated by their endless energy seems daunting. It seems hard to manage sleep when it is not only a disorder but the needs of your children that awaken you at all hours of the night. If is hard to be present enough to engage and teach them when you are exhausted from your own mood disregulation within the day. It is hard when all you want to do is tell your 11 year old that the reason you are having a hard time connecting with him and don't want to play video games or throw the football has nothing to do with him but everything to do with the burden of my disorder. These are difficult places to be, but they are nothing compared to the kid that I was that wondered if there would ever be a marriage and a wife that would understand, that would see me for my strengths and love me through my weaknesses. The kid that couldn't comprehend a child in his life, much less three. So as I have often done in therapy, I find myself at times giving those speeches to that 25 year old me, or rather that me that always wonders if the next mountain will be too hard to cross. The truth is I have had endless support in my journey for stability. I have had family, a wife, and providers that have rooted and bent over backwards to try and help me in my greatest moments of weakness. I believe God has watched over me and gave me strength and another chance at times when I have given up hope. But I would be undervaluing the greatest influence on all of my outcomes if I didn't give myself the respect and love that was required to make difficult choices to find hope and strength when most of me wanted to hide in my room and just waste away. At the end of the day, the person who did the most for that 18 year old to become that 25 year old, to be that 30 year old that cried on his birthday, truly thinking he'd never live to see 30, that kid is the reason I am where I am. He didn't quit, he didn't give up. He was slammed to the ground with a mouth full of dirt, many times, but he made a choice to fight, he made a choice to believe, or at least a choice to get up and give it another go. 

My favorite poem is Invictus:

Out of the night that covers me, 

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not wince nor cried aloud,

Under the bludgeoning of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade, 

And yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate

How charge with punishment the scroll,

I am the master of my fate, 

I am the captain of my soul. 

My hope is that when we find ourselves overcome by our circumstances and aspects of existence out of our control, we will take a moment to realize that though there is little we can do about much of it, we are the master of our fate, we are the captain of our soul. If we can learn to make those difficult choices to put ourselves out there to feel and experience more pain, we might also find strength, resilience and blessings come with that pain. We might find ourself elevated through our struggle to a higher plain. My hope is we will learn in the moments to look back, to remember where we have come and the strength that has come from our continued push for life and hope. We can then look back and tell ourself, we have been here before and we have found the strength to endure and grow. Maybe if we look back too close we won't see the growth, but if we give ourselves time, we can look back and see how strong we really are. 

The final part of the excercise with the therapist is to take all that growth and resilience we recognize from overcoming past adversities and extrapolate that to our future. If the current self can help give hope to our past self, knowing we may still be in the struggle but aren't at rock bottom; perhaps the greatest person to help us in our current sitaution is that same self, or rather the future version of that self. If we have found the strength to get where we are currently from where we were, imagine what we can do in the future. My 25 year old self would have laughed out loud if you told him I'd have 3 kids at 38, and my 19 year old self would have just bawled with disbelief if he saw my current life. 

My hope is that I can sit in those moments when my 3 year old is playing outside and the sun is beating down on me and my current self reflects presently at the awe of where I have come to and how I got there. I give place in that moment for the 19 year old, the 25 year old and the 30 year old, but then after a moment I come back to the present filled with gratitude for what I have and where I am, not because all the pain and struggle is gone, but because I've kept going and found these moments along the way while the tempest still rages. As I come to this quiet and peaceful self-awareness, I watch my son play with his water table and start to do something my 19 year old self couldn't do, I start to imagine the life before me and what 50 year old Aaron will have to say about it all. I laugh a slight laugh, because if the last 20 years are an indicator, it will look nothing like I can imagine. There will be hard days, for sure, but I will have better tools and be armed with the past victories to aide me, and the bricks in place to see what I've since created. I also know it will be filled with joys and tender mercies. I think to myself, I've underestimated you several times, God, let's see what you and I will make of me yet in the next chapter of life. 

Fear Not: Believe Only- Finding Faith in Mental Illness

My name is Aaron Elmer, for those who don’t know me. I’m an active/semi-present member of this ward. I have a degree in Finance from BYU/North Texas that I rigorously apply to being a stay at-home-dad.  I have the most amazing wife, Teana who just finished graduate school where she studied to become a Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner and I have 3 boys: Ezekiel, Jairus and Hyrum who are 10, 4 and 2. We’ve lived in this ward for 13 years and in our current house for 3 years. Most of you know me for my gift of gabb. I have few filters from years of therapy, learning how to open up about things I’d rather not, and I have an overwhelming passion for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Many of you who know me well, probably already know what I’m going to talk about today. Today my remarks will be based on Elder Holland’s remarks from several conferences as well as a few other scriptures and talks that have helped in a very severe and debilitating battle with Bipolar 1 Disorder over the last 18 years, but I think the principles apply to any difficulty we may face in life. 

 

I’d like to start with the story of Jairus that Elder Holland shared last week in General Conference. A story I love so much, I named my son after him. 

·      Jairus was one of the rulers of the synagogue. He wasn’t a follower of Christ, but when his daughter became terribly ill, he looked, in desperation to Christ, whose miracles had surely been heard of by him. 

·      But by the time he could summon Christ to his daughter’s aid, in Luke 8 it reads, “thy daughter is dead; trouble not the Master.” (Luke 8:49)

o   Trouble not the Master- brothers and sisters, how often has our mind been filled in times of desperation to, “trouble not the Master.” It’s too late or we are defective, He can help others but not us. We have fallen too deep into sin, too deep into despair, we have gone too long without praying to Him or have been too disobedient to be worth saving. Or maybe our prayers and relief haven’t come in the time-table we wanted so we should “trouble him not.” 

o   This is the exact circumstance of Jairus. The thought was innocent enough, his daughter was indeed dead- surely Christ could heal and work miracles, but this was past the point of miracles- this was all together a different set of permanent circumstances. 

o   And yet it wasn’t- because Christ is the Son of God, as he declared so often. His response was simple and powerful. “Fear Not: Believe Only.” (Luke 8:50)

Today I would like to talk about ways we can “Fear Not: Believe Only.”

 

The loads we are asked to carry at times can seem heavy. They can seem insurmountable and they can fill us with a sense of dread. I know a thing or two of loads because since I was 19 I have been dealt a heavy load to bear. The deep debilitating depression and suicidal ideation of Bipolar Disorder can seem unbearable. But before I talk more about that, I want to mention something I learned a while back about trials we all deal with.

·      I remember a girl in my ward coming home from College and talking about the trial it was for her being cut from the BYU Volleyball team. She was devastated by this and it had shaken her faith. I remember thinking, “that’s not a trial.” To which the Lord quickly rebuked me telling me it mattered far less what our trials were and how they compared to others and far more whether we turned to Him on bended knee in response to them.

I’d like to share one story about my own journey with mental illness:

 

The first 4 years of my illness were terribly difficult. In fact, they were so hard, I can’t put into words the burden I felt. 6 months into feats of agitated mania, deep, deep depression, overwhelming anxiety and PTSD, I saw the shell of a person I was, and drained almost completely of hope, decided to try and take my own life. This led to psychiatric hospitalizations and 3 years of almost complete lack of day-to-day functioning. I slept or laid in bed 18 hours a day and wondered how a kid with a scholarship to BYU and the whole world at his fingertips could have ended up so pathetic and hopeless. I had always believed in taking the difficult path because growth was more important than mastery, but this path seemed insurmountable. I often felt like a Heisman trophy candidate who was paralyzed weeks before realizing his NFL dreams. 3 years in I found some meds that started to help and I started looking to God again for hope. I started reading 5 chapters in the Book of Mormon everyday as I battle self-injury and addiction still. The despair didn’t go away but I resolved to find purpose in my suffering. It was about this time that I made plans to visit my parents across the world, in Australia as they were serving as Mission Presidents there during the 3 years I struggled. I went to institute and met the most amazing, happy and full of life girl I’d ever seen. As I got to know her I found hope and depression often alleviated or blocked when with her. She was the most hopeful angelic person I’d ever met. I learned of her life and the terrible hardships she’d endured in her teenage years and I was even more amazed by her faith and optimism. 

 

Well, after a year of dating I asked her to marry me and she said yes. It was the greatest decision I ever made. I’m not sure what my parents were thinking in letting me get married with the issues I had and I’m not sure what Teana was thinking marrying me with all these issues, but it was the greatest joy to know I had someone to love and be with… or at least I thought. You see in the time we dated, I showed her all my sides and all my difficulties, I hid nothing from her. But there is a difference between dating someone with Bipolar disorder and living with that person 24/7. It soon became clear to me that though we loved each other immensely and rarely fought, my depression, self-injury issues, and mood swings no longer were just my wrestle, they had become someone else’s burden to help shoulder. Selfishly, I had only thought of the value add of bringing Teana into my life and now I was beginning to realize the burden and weight my disorder now had put onto her and added to her life. So, in the height of a stressful semester back at BYU, 4 years into my issues and about 15 months into our marriage, on a terribly dark night I decided the best thing I could do is free my wife from this obligation and so I decided to end my life. I won’t go through the details of this event, but I will say that some of the ICU doctors didn’t believe I would make it out of the hospital alive. It’s a funny thing to sit and wait for death. But God had another plan for me, something that has been a blessing and a burden my whole life, because I’m not sure I deserved a third chance. 

 

I got home from the hospital, knowing I’d probably never step back on BYU campus as a student. We started the talk of moving back to Texas where I had better doctors, therapists and family support. Overwhelmed and hopeless, I did the only thing I knew how to do- look for something to hold on to- so I turned on BYUtv which just happened to be the time Elder Holland was giving a devotional on campus titled “Remember Lots Wife.” The Lord told me that day to never look back, only forward and I have never crossed that threshold, though I’ve come close, in the 14 years since. 

 

My life is divided into 2 parts- the time before that day, and the time since. Before that day I lived with a mentality of “trouble him not.” And since then I have lived with a mentality of “fear not: believe only.”

 

God has worked miracles in my life. He has given me hope on the darkest days, which there are still many. When I have felt against a wall with no hope, he has sent new meds to try, ministers to minister, family to embrace and a wife who, since that day, has never left my side. 

 

If you are troubled by the circumstances of life I’d like to add a 6 thoughts on how to endure it:

 

1)    Number 1- Elder Eyring talked about the Pavilions in our life. 

a.   Elder Eying- “In the depths of his anguish in Liberty Jail, the Prophet Joseph Smith cried, ‘O God, Where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?’ Many of us, in moments of personal anguish, feel that God is far from us. The pavilion that seems to intercept divine aid does not cover God but occasionally covers us. God is never hidden, yet sometimes we are, covered by a Pavilion of motivations that draw us away from God and make Him seem distant and inaccessible.” ('Where is the Pavilion?'- Henry B Eyring)

b.   I would submit that if you can’t feel the Lord in your life because there is a pavilion, self-created or not, then look out beyond that pavilion and see what God is doing for those around you, your family, your loved ones and friends. 

c.   When I am deeply depressed it is hard to feel the spirit. When I begin to wonder if God is still with me I look at my children and the support they are getting from Him. I look at the tender mercies bestowed upon my wife to lift her when I am weak and I know He is there, regardless of whether I feel His presence. 

d.   Challenge yourself to look beyond your circumstance and see God in your life. 

2)    Number 2- When in the midst of difficulty, project the shore line.

·      There is a story I love about Florence Chadwick and her swim between Catalina Island and the California coast line. It reads:

"After about 15 hours a thick fog set in. Florence began to doubt her ability, and she told her mother, who was in one of the boats, that she didn't think she could make it. She swam for another hour before asking to be pulled out, unable to see the coastline due to the fog. As she sat in the boat, she found out she had stopped swimming just one mile away from her destination." (Excerpt from 'Notable American Women’

·      Brothers and Sisters, when darkness and hopelessness envelope us like a fog, let us lean on hope and project the shoreline just a mile away

3)     Number 3- Drink the bitter cup.

·      Elder Holland in his talk “Like a Broken Vessel” teaches:

o   “if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead.”

o   Brothers and Sisters- Christ’s path was one of difficulty, far greater than ours. How are we to know and become like Him if we know not the taste of the bitter cup. Faith is not faith if it only carries us through the highs of life. We have to be unshaken and determined to know God is with us even as Christ did in the midst of his difficulty. He was forsaken for a short time, so that we don’t have to be. 

4)    Number 4- Covenants Yoke us to the Lord

·      Elder Bednar has repeatedly taught that our covenants yoke us to the Lord.

o   Elder Bednar- “Consider the Lord’s uniquely individual invitation to ‘take my yoke upon you.’ Making and keeping sacred covenants yokes us to and with the Lord Jesus Christ. In essence, the Savior is beckoning us to rely upon and pull together with Him, even though our best efforts are not equal to and cannot be compared with His. As we trust in and pull our load with Him during the journey of mortality, truly His yoke is easy and His burden is light.” ('Bear Up Their Burdens with Ease'- Elder David A. Bednar)

 

o   The single greatest factor in my stability and perspective has been the focus on covenant keeping. The more I focus on being worthy, staying worthy and understanding what Christ has promised me, and that I can call upon Him to carry the load, as we are yoked together, the greater the trajectory of outcomes I have had.

 

o   Learn to make and keep covenants and repent speedily, that Satan cannot have hold of your mind/guilt

5)    Number 5- To those who support someone in the struggle of mental illness or other difficulties, remember the example of the Savior when he visited the Nephites- 

o   3 Nephi 17:5-7

                                     5 And it came to pass that when Jesus had thus spoken, he cast his eyes round about again on the multitude, and beheld they were ^ain tears, and did look steadfastly upon him as if they would ask him to tarry a little longer with them.

                                     6 And he said unto them: Behold, my bowels are filled with ^acompassion towards you.

                                     7 Have ye any that are ^asick among you? Bring them hither. Have ye any that are lame, or blind, or halt, or maimed, or ^bleprous, or that are withered, or that are deaf, or that are afflicted in any manner? Bring them hither and I will ^cheal them, for I have compassion upon you; my bowels are filled with mercy.

                                     8 For I perceive that ye desire that I should show unto you what I have done unto your brethren at Jerusalem, for I see that your ^afaith is ^bsufficient that I should heal you.

o   Brothers and Sisters let our “bowels be filled with compassion” toward those who are struggling amongst us. Let us not condemn, or note needed correction of behavior, let us pray and show compassion upon them and be filled with mercy, the same mercy we desire ourselves.

 

6) Number 6- When we are struggling, we have to ask for help

·      Remember even the Savior of man asked, “Could ye not watch with me one hour?” (Matthew 26:40)

o   In the darkest hours of this mortal existence, we would all do well to have someone watch with us even just an hour and to be on the look-out for opportunities to watch with others in their darkest hour. 

 

Conclusion:

·      In conclusion I’d like to end with the words of Elder Holland to those who might feel alone in the struggle and wonder if there is hope and purpose for life:

·      “I close with special Apostolic declaration: Before you ever received the gift of the Holy Ghost, you had the light of Christ planted in your soul. That light which is in all things, giveth life to all things. And is the influence for good in the hearts of all people who have ever lived or ever will live. That light was given to protect you and to teach you. One of its central messages is life is one of the most precious of all gifts. A gift which is obtained, eternally, only through the atonement of the Lord, Jesus Christ. And the light and life of the world, the only Begotten son of God, came to give us life, conquering death.

We must commit ourselves fully to that gift of life and run to the aid of those who are at risk of giving up this sacred gift. Leaders, advisors, friends, family watch for signs of depression, despair or anything hinting of self-harm. Offer your help, listen. Make some kind of intervention, as appropriate. And to any of our youth out there struggling, whatever your concerns or difficulties, please, death by suicide, is manifestly not the answer. It will not relieve the pain you are feeling or you see yourself causing. In a world that so desperately needs all the light it can get, please do not minimize the eternal light God put in your soul before this world was. Talk to someone. Ask for help. Do not destroy a life that Christ gave His life to preserve. You can bear the struggles of this mortal life, because we will help you bear them. Your stronger than you think. Help is available from others and especially from God. You are loved, and valued and needed. We need you. Fear not and believe only.” ('Fear Not: Believe Only!'- Elder Jeffrey R. Holland)

·      Brothers and sisters, I add my testimony to that of Elder Hollands. I keep my phone on most nights, all night, and any night someone close to me reaches out in need of help. I do this that they might know they are never alone in their hour of need. May we all look to Christ who understood perfectly His relationship to the Father found his worth and identity there in, let us have faith and know we are treasured children of a Heavenly Father who longs to support us in our difficulties and bring us safely back to Him when it truly is our time. Until that time, may we Fear not and believe only, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

The Fears of a Bipolar Father

It’s with much trepidation that I write a post like this. I want to be brutally honest without people private messaging me or texting me afraid for my safety. You see with Bipolar Disorder there is a lot of ups and downs. Some of those states just make everything in life ten times harder and some of them put you in a place of such distraught trauma that your brain starts telling you the best way through is out. That nagging is constant like a fire alarm telling you to evacuate your body. Those times suck. Not only do they suck but they almost completely contrast to the life demands around you. Your kids still need breakfast and a shower. Your wife still needs you to listen to her vent about how hard her day at work was. Your 7 year old son still needs your undivided attention while he shows you 3 or 4 of the 15 ten minute movies he made that day. It’s hard to balance because what you  want to do is lock yourself in your room, throw five deadbolts on it, insulate yourself completely and just scream profanities at the fact that this cycle just keeps repeating itself. But the deeper truth is that those “demands” in contrast to what you feel are not what keep you up at night. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Those people who “need” you both physically and emotionally they really do need you. You are all interconnected. Every time my son wants my attention a part of me knows that I have value and purpose. Each time my wife emotionally leans on me I know she hasn’t shut me out or turned to somewhere else for connections and support. These are the beauties of a life and family with also having a mental illness. Though I have a college degree, i’ve Barely found the stability to use that degree to generate much of any income. In much of the world’s measure of success I have amounted to very little but to my family I still mean a lot. So in this there is this battle between what I feel inside and what I get from these connections around me. It’s a beautiful psychological back and forth of validating these very real and painful emotional states internally and also realizing even with that inner chaos I am surrounded by love and connection, so much so that it fills my mind with worth.

All of that said, there is another real battle that I don’t always feel as confident about. In some of these times of deep emotional strife and trauma there comes a place where the drive to act out on or release such pain becomes quite overwhelming to the point of fixation on relief and or highly delusional thinking such as perhaps I am living in borrowed time and that my purpose is to die, that the world will be restored to equilibrium if I just end my life. Through years of therapy and various meds I have come to have less and less frequently these very serious and dangerous states of mind. Like many things in life I find that when life has gotten to these places you are kind of already gone and by the very nature of the issue, you are so emotionally and mentally consumed in the pain that at that point it is often hard to access your more rational self. It is these periods I fear most in life. A place where emotion and impulsivity become quite consuming and thoughts to act on suicide or at least slit my wrist come flooding in with an incessant borage. Simply, these are the times where I am most susceptible  to suicide. And these are the states where my past attempts of suicide have been enacted. The real problem isn’t the fear of suicide, it is the affect of it. I am a man that believes deeply and purely in a Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ. I believe there is a lot of mystery in the true consequences of suicide and I don’t think it’s a straight up cause for eternal damnation but I also believe that we are accountable for our actions and the sanctity of life is high in God’s eyes. But even that judgement day isn’t my true fear. My greatest fear and what keeps me hyper vigilant in how I cope with my issues is the consequence my suicide might have on my 7 and 1 1/2 year old sons who would remember more than the love I showed and the videos I watched, that when life got really hard, Dad chose to quit. Dad chose to die over being with us. Though that might be made understandable later in their life that decision would mold them and affect them forever and statistics show that it could very likely cause them to see suicide as a real solution to their life problems.

So everyday that is terrible and I want to quit because despite being given every possible resource to succeed, because it is just too painful in my brain. On those days I let out a few expletives in my head and then I diligently get to work on surviving because as much as I want to put a gun to my head and pull the trigger, my boys need me to live so that on their worst day they don’t have to be alone and deal with the thought of “well dad got out, maybe I will too.”

There Is Always Something (re-post)

I was in my car driving and I felt the urge that I've felt so many time before but upon which I have failed to follow through. I want to take the time to publicly share some of my feelings and thoughts on the difficulties of Bipolar Disorder. I've not been shy about explaining to people that I have Bipolar I Disorder. I fall into craters of depression so low I find it hard to get out of bed along with times of extreme agitation where my mind is literally bombarded by incessant thoughts of suicide. These started when I was 18 and have continued to varying levels of difficulty for the last 11 years. I say all this to show that 11 years and still living has given me a wealth of experience in dealing with these difficulties. I haven't always made good choices in coping with my problems and even have attempted suicide twice. By the grace of God I'm still here and have added 2 reasons to live that make every battle worth winning, in my wife, Teana and my son, Ezekiel. But I didn't always think I would have them to help fight the fight.

I used to want to share the sufferings of the illness with others. I'm still app to do that on occasion when solicited but at this point in my life my desire is really to bring understanding and hope to those who need it and their families. There was a time in those early years where I was barely hanging on and felt abandoned and alone. My mind had turned on me and was rooting for my demise and even arguing its inevitability. I believed it to the point of almost not making it beyond that period. I often think now, what would I have said to that scared, fragile boy who was so consumed by darkness and madness that there was no way for him to see the life before him. In those times God spared my life, despite my every effort to end it, and I found a Doctor who did so much for me that my son is named after him. The path was a lot more complicated then that but the point was I went from a boy with little to no hope for the future to a still struggling man with a loving family that battles for the tender mercies God has bestowed on him in his wife and kid.

It is those who are in the fog of despair that I direct my thoughts. What would I say to those people? I would say hold on. Hold on with everything you have. Hold on like everything depends on you and then lean on others and the Lord like you have nothing left to give. I've always found that at the moments of deepest darkness, when I'm ready to throw in the towel, there is always some thought that comes to mind of why I am here on the earth and why I haven't given up yet. The thought of a loved one, or a game of one-on-one with my brother; One more joke I need to tell my sister and make her laugh; A memory of a time where i could feel the sun warming my skin and the joys of summer; A court side Mavs game with my best friend. I don't believe there are many people in the world who 100% want out of life. If we all think hard enough there are people we will miss and memories made that we want to make again. Those are what I have always held on to. They may not be that reassuring in the moment of bitter torment, but they are as real as the suffering and so is the fact that more of those memories can be our future. My life is evidence of that. I always told myself I'd never find a girl who could put up with me, who would love me despite my craziness. I found her and she has given me joy beyond compare, even at times of great suffering.

This battle is one fought behind closed doors in dark rooms and under layers of covers. It is a battle fought with torment at the very hours most of the world peacefully sleeps dreaming happy thoughts, on dark roads with blaring music at 3am. It is lonely. It feels lonely and it seems hopeless. But I assure anyone dealing with it or loving someone dealing with it that it isn't hopeless. There is always hope. If you want a fairy tale ending, I can't assure you of that. This is a battle you will face the rest of your life. But it can get a lot better and it can be an impairment without being debilitating. I have 11 years of evidence to prove it. And that's just me.

How Do We Help Those We Love? (re-post)

Now I have to start by saying I'm not a trained psychologist and that this is only what I've felt was helpful for me in my experiences. You have to know that because of my strict adherence from childhood to my religious code of health I never struggled with drug and alcohol problems. In my worst of times I knew that they would send me over the edge and luckily had the self-control to never even try them. (Full disclosure- I did try alcohol once but didn't get drunk).


What I do know about getting help for loved ones is that it starts with them. The truth is that like anything else in life, if they don't think they have a problem or don't think they need help for it, there is little you can do for them other than be patient. That's not always a situation a loved one can wait on. Also, as great as GPs can be as doctors, if you feel you or someone you love has a serious issue, get the proper help and request a referral to a Psychiatrist. They are trained on these matters in ways GPs have little knowledge. The wrong medication administered by a less knowledgeable doctor can dramatically increase suicidal ideation along with a myriad of other things. Get the proper help from the beginning. I would say that if there is any sign or talk of suicide that regardless of the willingness of the afflicted to comply, action should be taken and a physician should be contacted immediately.

On the note of suicide, you should always watch the signs. There is no full proof way to know for sure whether someone will act out an attempt on their life but usually it is progressive. All signs of suicide should be taken extremely serious but it can escalate. Comments of ending their life in moments of frustration is perhaps a first step down the road. Any signs of Internet searches on items or pill doses that could be used for such an attempt is an obviously an escalated red flag. Attempts of self-injury or more minor self-injuries including cutting or other forms should be taken very seriously and a sign that one is building up the capacity to act out in a more extreme manner. Changes in behavior that leads to high levels of impulsivity, especially combined with any of the above should send alarm bells off and be a time where the sufferer is not left alone, regardless of the reassurance they may give. These are definitely generalities but if any of these signs are visible one should not only try and remove the more accessible means of self harm, but also make sure the sufferer understands there is an readily available, open line of support and communication no matter the hour.

Back to the less depressing matters. Loved ones need to understand that mental illness is extremely difficult to understand and accept for the sufferer, especially in the initial years. There are feelings of denial, defeat and depression. It is hard for anyone to understand how their mind and body could function with great capacity a short time before but then all of a sudden is so "pathetic" that it is difficult to get out of bed. Often those who don't suffer from the illness have a hard time understanding how a little will power, "sucking it up" and/or a shift in paradigm aren't effective means of motivation for depression or mania. I relate the state of the sufferer to the kid who twirls around faster and faster with their head on the bat and then tries to walk, dizzied by the movement. We've all experience that inability to gather our bearings in that circumstance. Now imagine if that state of dizziness never ended, but you were still expected to perform like a normal person. You would know in your mind that is shouldn't be hard to snap out of the dizziness and chaos and that in the past the feeling had left after a mere few minutes. This time is different though, no matter your will power or determination to stop being dizzy, you cannot help it. Now imagine in that state of disorientation, how maddening it would be to live your normal life, go to work, interact with others, or even participate in your favorite hobby. It would be next to impossible, especially initially to do those things, and even while doing those tasks that were manageable, your mind would be filled with frustration over the fact that you can't snap out of this disorientation when your whole life to this point it had always left you within minutes. That dizziness is a lot like the bombardment of thoughts and feelings that come with both depression and high manias. As difficult as the feelings and thoughts are to manage, the greater frustration is often that you can't seem to snap yourself out of it no matter what you do.

To be completely candid I have a tattoo, something in my church that is pretty much frowned upon. Regardless of my current ambivalence about that decision, I'd like to show you what it looks like and explain it because it summarizes some of my own feelings and how it helped me get through some darker days. Early in my struggle I had an addiction to cutting. I have probably 30 or so places on my arms, legs and chest where I have carved or cut on myself in some form or fashion. I felt I was so worthless that it was a way to purge all the self loathing feelings I had because of my inability to push out of deep depressions and high agitated states. Some of those cuts were so deep they have caused permanent ligament damage in my forearm. One of the things I loved about cutting, especially on my arms was that it was something visible to me and everyone else that showed I felt I was defective. After spending time with Teana and growing close to her, I realized that I couldn't keep hurting myself all the time and that I needed to move forward in life. One day, impulsively, but having been thought of long before, we drove to Deep Ellum and they sized me up and charged the white suburban kid double for this simple tattoo. (it's a bit better than the picture) Now Teana makes fun of me for getting it and that of all the ways I could express my illness, I chose that. But I had thought about it and I knew I needed to express something I felt was at the core of my difficulties but also was something I could look in the mirror at everyday and remember. On the deeply depressing days where no hope was in sight, I could look in the mirror and see where I was but then also that there would come a day when i felt the sun shine again and could smile one of those smiles that you feel in your chest and gut. On the reverse side, I could remember in the good times to not get overly excited and to not make too many commitments and load myself up in a way that couldn't be kept when the down times came, as they surely would.

That is how you can help your loved ones who suffer. You can realize that if you or them are going to try and get in a fight with bipolar, thinking you will win, I assure you, you won't. You can't cure it. You can't beat it, trust me I've tried for years. The best thing to do is accept it and accept those who it affects. Progress will be slow and patience will be required by all parties. The sooner everyone can realize that bad days are bound to come but so are good days then the better it will be for everyone.

I tell everyone that about 4 times a year I come out of a terribly dark time. There are a lot of periods toward the ends of those dark times where you start to feel better in the morning but then slip back into darkness by the afternoon and it plays with your head, like the old man on the insurance commercial pulling the dollar away on the end of the fishing rod from the girl with a grin on his face. But on that day when you finally come out of it for real there is a joy and gratitude to God that I can not put into words. I tell my family that I know what the resurrection will feel like because it feels like my body has gone from pathetic to perfected and the contrast is so vast it is almost surreal. Those days don't come along too often. Most days are somewhere in between good and bad but those are days that I feel hope and I know I must keep pushing along. Trust that your loved ones can feel that one day too. It took time to appreciate those days and even to appreciate the dark days. I'm bipolar. When I talk to God sometimes there are expletives thrown out there and then other times I kneel so humbly that I know my Heavenly Fathers eyes are watering too.

I'll go back to my original point. We have to accept the lot we've been given in life. I believe there is something beautiful in everything we go through, even those trips to hell that we travel on alone without the companionship of those we love most. In the darkest hours it feels lonely. It is difficult beyond belief. But the Lord will sustain us as sufferers and loved ones of those who suffer. The first step, though, is to admit we have a problem and in the case of Mental Illness, there is no easy way out.

Depression: Seperate Your Thoughts & Remember It Will Get Better

The number one problem I see in myself and others is the paralysis of depression. The deep dark times come and it feels like we are suffocating, kicking and screaming for relief and as that depression intensifies, so does the urge to do whatever for relief, much like someone drowning will pull under the person trying to help them just to get air. In those times you’ll see self-destructive behavior or relationship destructive behavior. There is a feeling that no one understands and when someone externally questions our motives or will-power, like we are causing this our self, it usually results in a further isolation from those who can be of help in these times. 

Years of therapy have helped me in those times to do a couple different things. The first is to separate myself, or at least my thought process, from what I feel. I tend to try and be as logical and fact based in my thinking, based on past experience and on what I have taken time to pattern in my brains as to what I want for life when I’m stable. In my world, that is my wife and my son and a life with them and honesty to them and with God in all I do. When I feel deeply depressed I try to separate my thoughts from those emotions and into the past episodes I’ve had. What actions when I was depressed before were helpful and what weren’t? What gave me relief in that moment and maybe kept me from worse behavior and what were the consequences of those decisions after I felt better? It’s not a real black and white analysis but over lots of years I’ve come to create a methodology of good, better, best. Sure going and buying clothes or eating at some restaurant you really crave may help you feel better but what happens when the credit card bill comes? Obviously, there are much worse coping mechanisms and addictions and some that are not so bad, like exercise. It’s about finding what works and doesn’t create a lot of collateral damage that has to be cleaned up when you do feel better again.

Often we feel the only way to keep going through those dark time is to appease the needs of our emotions. I would suggest that that isn’t true. In fact, sometimes greater long-term strength comes from doing one or two things you should do but don’t want to do. I’m currently working on pushing myself to get to work when I feel deeply depressed. It’s easier to rationalize that staying in bed and waiting it out will make it last less time and will be more beneficial, as you won’t have to face triggers and stimulation and things that make it worse or tire you out more but I find that the confidence that can come from years and years of increase productivity despite severe moods swings has given me greater confidence in life and that just because my mood changes doesn’t mean I’m still not in charge. We don’t have to be slave to mood swings and mood disorders. We may not function as fully as we want but I believe if we challenge those internal notions of inability and try just a little to do one thing that makes us uncomfortable we will learn we have greater capacity and also gain confidence in managing the chaos in our mind without. That was a hard notion to swallow 10-12 years ago but today it has become almost innate in my life. It has been most affective in the way I father my son. He is a huge trigger at 3 years old during depression but I've come to know how to interact and show love to him and smile and play for an hour or so even when I feel terrible inside. I can't do it endlessly but I can put my emotions to the side for him for a period to make sure he know I love him. I couldn't always do that, but have learned how to set the emotions aside and have also learned the negative consequences of doing so are not usually as bad as I think. It usually just means a longer nap, maybe with the help of some medicine. 

To those who love and support someone with mental illness, please, please, please don’t question the motives of someone who is struggling. It is easy for you to look at their actions and see the irrationality in them, how they are self-sabotaging and making it harder on themselves. Just like marriage, no good comes from pointing out someone’s weaknesses. Your true value can come as someone to vent to, lean on emotionally and to build them and noticing and applauding the efforts you do see them making for good. If we could all get the mindset of looking at others difficulties and thinking about what kind of trauma would cause me to feel and act in a way as someone who is severely depressed. Maybe you can understand how anything they’ve experience could cause that, but that isn’t your judgment to make. If you could imagine what it would feel like, regardless of causation, you will come closer to them opening up to you and feeling like you are their teammate and confidant in this battle. As someone who suffers, there is nothing more desired by someone who is suffering from depression, than knowing they aren’t alone and that they will not be abandoned by God and those they love. Often, they feel abandoned by God emotionally, so if you abandon them also it will give emotional cause, justified or not in your mind, for further isolation and irrationality.

                

The second point that every person in depression has to come to know as surely as they do anything else in life is that it will get better. No episode lasts forever. This is probably the most crucial aspect of improvement during episodes and improved choices as well. There is a reason that most suicides happen early on in the diagnoses of a mental illness. I attempted suicide about 6 months after I started having problems because back then I didn’t know that it would get better and that these episodes wouldn’t define my existence. Now I can more or less account for one major depressive episode every 3-4 months that will last from 2-4 weeks. I have rapid cycling bipolar so there are a lot of little ups and downs in between those major episodes, that can sometimes be annoying because you have to stop to assess every one of them to see if they will become something more or not, but I’ve come to understand that it will get better. I go into episodes knowing and believing that and then when I get to the end of my will-power two or so weeks into a really bad episode, I turn to my wife or parents or others I trust for reinforcement and encouragement to endure. Occasionally, when I’ve pushed myself for long periods of time to meet the demands of my family and a job I will fall completely apart and have a terribly bad episode that can last 3-4 months with variations of functioning levels during those periods. Those are the times it is most important to hold on to hope. In those times I try to pick one thing to do every day like exercise. I still won’t do it every day but if I can do it every other day, I’m doing more than I would if not. It helps give you something to hope for and to keep you going. I look at depression like something to beat. It is battle between a disorder and me and if it wins it ends in death via suicide. I win every time I face an episode with a different outcome.

What I’ve learned though is that there can be greater experiences and happiness than just enduring and not dying. We have the power to improve our choices every episode until we are becoming something more than we were to begin with. I’ve learned a lot in 12 years and though I still struggle to work and do many other things most people can easily do in life, I have come to know and understand the pain of those who truly suffer. My burden and most hated aspect of my existence has been the means of creating empathy in me for those who are in despair for a myriad of reasons, mental health related or not. The truth is, it’s probably the best aspect of my personality and I wouldn’t have it if it wasn’t for deep depression. So today, while I am writing this to distract and remind myself of how to manage the depression I'm currently feeling, I find solace and the desire to strengthen my resolve to endure and see my life beyond these emotional states.